Warhammer 40,000 is a game where the Rule of Cool reigns supreme – how else would we have chainswords and power armor? Still, there are some things in the Imperium and the galaxy at large that strain the limits of credibility, especially where vehicles and heavy machinery are concerned.
While it’s technically possible that in 38,000 or so years technology will have advanced to the point where some of these vehicles could work, getting around the laws of physics means that it’s probably easier to use more practical, tried-and-true designs.
Land Raider
The Ultimate Troop Transport… Until You Have To Cross A Bridge
The Land Raider has always been at the forefront of Space Marine armies. This armed-to-the-teeth tank is one of the game’s most-heavily-armored-vehicles, and it’s not even considered a main battle tank; the Land Raider is designed to be used as an assault troop transport.
Protecting the Marines inside is all well and good, but the Land Raider is more likely to get stuck than it is to deliver its squad to their destination. It’s an enormous tank, often the largest on the field, and it’s covered on all sides by thick, heavy armor – the Imperium, as a rule, doesn’t do lightweight materials. Add on the bulk of the Space Marines inside (or worse, Terminators), and the Land Raider will almost certainly get stuck in mud and sand or collapse roads and bridges as it tries to cross them.
Imperial Knight
There’s No Way That Thing Walks
We get it, giant robots are cool – possibly one of the coolest things in fiction, in fact. We can suspend our disbelief if it means a suit of armor the size of a skyscraper gets to punch a titanic Tyranid. Look at those legs, though; an actual Knight would fall over from the recoil of its own weapons, never mind being able to walk around.
A real Knight wouldn’t necessarily be the most maneuverable machine; it could rotate its torso while standing in place to get firing angles to make up for it. However, its legs probably wouldn’t be able to manage more than a very loud shuffle, like the world’s largest wind-up toy. Modern robotics has enough trouble keeping bipedal bots on their feet, and Knights don’t have nearly the agility needed.
Space Marine Bikes
Turning Is Heretical, Apparently
How do you mess up a motorcycle? As it turns out, the fine minds of the Adeptus Mechanicus found a way when they designed the bikes used by the Space Marines and their Chaos nemeses. The problem is the tires; those square edges are designed more for a heavy truck than a bike, and they take away all the mobility that you’d be using the motorcycle for in the first place.
Without rounded tires, the riders can’t lean into turns, making it harder to avoid obstacles or change direction quickly. All this design allows is for the mounted Marines to go straight forward faster than they could run… which is a net gain, sure, but some dexterity would probably be welcome.
Primaris Invader ATV
F-f-o-o-r-r T-t-h-h-e-e E-e-m-m-p-p-e-e-r-r-AUGH!
It’s shaped like an ATV, but the first Space Marine that tried to take the Primaris Invader off-road probably flew farther than if he’d been wearing a Jump Pack. The rigid, low-to-the-ground frame means that every single bump, drop, and shock that the vehicle rolls over has nowhere to go; the crew is in for a bumpy (and likely short) ride.
By contrast, the Leagues of Votann Sagitaur, with its six tires and plenty of suspension, looks like it can handle rough terrain much better.
Voidraven
Maybe If They Added More Spikes?
To its credit, the Drukhari Voidraven is at least sort of shaped like an airplane. That can’t be said for other fixed-wing craft in the 40k universe, as we’ll see shortly. That’s the problem, though – the wings.
Drukhari vehicles are known for their speed, so it’s not a surprise to see how many engines the Voidraven has, but they take up so much of the wingspan that the actual wings aren’t actually going to do anything. Throw in the fact that the wings are at the very rear of the vehicle, with small stabilizers at the front, and the Drukhari air force looks like a one-way ticket to Slaanesh’s eternal embrace.
Thunderhawk
You Knew The Toaster Would Make The List
Of course, when it comes to impractical vehicle designs in Warhammer, no discussion is complete without the Thunderhawk. Its boxy, chunky body and short, flat, square wings make it about as aerodynamic as a brick, to say nothing of the payloads it’s expected to carry.
The Thunderhawk gunship honestly looks like it would serve better as an armored rail car than an aircraft. Still, it’s not the least-believable flier in 40k…
Night Scythe
Magic Is The Only Explanation
The Necrons are the oldest sentient species in the galaxy, and it’s not close. With millions of years to get a head start in the arms race, it’s understandable that they’ll have some technology that is, as the saying goes, indistinguishable from magic. The Night Scythe, though, is beyond the pale.
It has no wings, no rotors – nothing. How does the Night Scythe fly? Is it a giant frisbee, or a boomerang perhaps? Most of the other aircraft in Warhammer at least pay lip service to Bernoulli, but the Necrons apparently believe themselves to be above petty physics.
Which… is actually pretty on brand for them. You win this time, Imotekh!
Exorcist
Beautifully Ridiculous
Don’t get me wrong, I love the Battle Sisters, and the Exorcist is an iconic part of their lineup. It’s so breathtakingly absurd that everything else in Warhammer 40k seems downright reasonable. The Exorcist tank is a level of committing to the bit that everything else in this game aspires to.
Yes, it’s a church organ mounted on a tank. The pipes fire missiles, which the gunner operates by playing the keyboard. Flames and cybernetic cherubim fly around to hymns of praise and the smell of incense. There is absolutely no reason for the Exorcist to exist, other than the fact that it rocks. Whoever decided that the Exorcist should be a thing should be put in charge of Warhammer, forever.